I'm being incredibly vague for good reason. The idea of what I was beginning to write terrified me. Sometimes an writing idea fills me with a sickening fear that people are going to hate me for writing it. Why should I care about anyone's judgment, though? What do I have to lose? Well, a lot of the issues that I bring up in this new story are not exactly politically correct and will rub a lot of people, including my own friends and family, the wrong way. Of course, that's the point of writing something controversial, isn't it? It's not that I want to write something controversial. I've had thoughts running around my head for over a decade now that I need to get out- things that I never felt comfortable saying. But until I get what I am affectionately calling "The Side Project" off the ground and really flesh it out into figuring out what it actually is, I can't say much more about it. I have too many of these “Side Projects” to keep my head straight some times.
What I will say and definitely can say is that I now know why my creative writing has always felt so lacking, why it never goes anywhere and becomes abandoned manuscripts on my hard drive. I'm not a skilled enough artist to draw out the beautiful scenes and creatures that come into my head on a daily basis, but I am talented and skilled enough to write out this Side Project. It's coming straight from my heart, straight from my soul, just as my poetry always did.
I'll tell you why I stopped writing poetry. It began to scare people. I got to the point that I was being called a lunatic and that I should seek serious help. I was so judged that I left my former employment in a burst of anger and said a lot of loathing things about my former bosses. There was more to the situation, but that was the last straw. I basically told them all to go climb trees and do unmentionable things to themselves with rusty utensils. I was going to bring my creative universe to life just to spite them. Three years later, I still haven't been successful. Sure I've written a ton of interesting stuff, but creatively, outside of non-fiction, I keep stalling and sputtering. I have to become more at ease with myself that what I am writing now is not cute. It is real. It is the true nature of my mind: sometimes awfully cynical, dark, and unfiltered - but some things simply need to be said.
Not long ago, I offered a post that I never published to one of my friends as a guest blog. She liked it but felt it lacked personality, and accused me of saying it was probably originally written for a content farm. It hadn't been, as I simply don’t do that. But I was in "professional" mode at that point back in March of 2014. After reading it over, I went back and rewrote it to sound more "human." I became so numb to my own heart around that time. That’s why I went into such a rut with my writing. I stopped being true to myself.
Now, I have to write from the heart, and from nowhere else. And so should you. Don’t let your concerns about what others may think anymore. #JustWrite